Jesus PERSONified

From the moment I wake until about 2 hours before bed I have been plagued with a cotton head and over all sense of not feeling well. I know without a doubt I am once again battling depression and hopelessness. Fortunately I do have a natural suppliment that helps, unfortunately I gave our last bottle to a friend who needed it worse than me. I just need to hang in there a few more days and our next batch will be here.

I really struggle with knowing if my maladies are something physical or if there is something spiritual to it. It is understandable that I would feel hopeless when I have spent over a month working on a shower that leaks and had some mold that was BRAND NEW a little over a year ago - and it STILL LEAKS! I know it is time to let someone at the church know, but what good will that do? Our garbage disposal still leaks, the furnace/ac still leaks, the basement window is still moldy, the carpets are still moldy, the bathroom is still moldy, and each mention that someone is going to help us with that is met by yet another week with no one showing up. My house is a disaster! (and we had been doing so well) because I so feel like "what's the point?".

But, I need to end this pity party because it gets us NOWHERE! My main reason in posting today was not to complain, but to share an insight from Sunday morning.

I need, no CRAVE to see Jesus in physical form! I am so desperate for the warmth, security, and comfort of his hug. I need to hear his words, "It's going to be okay. Just lean on me, I'm going to take care of it. You can depend on me." I know he says this in his word and I have been reading and praying a lot to connect with that - and it does to a point. But haven't you ever craved to feel his physical presence? To actually touch and smell him, to see him face to face? I get goosebumps thinking about it!

But I think Jesus intended us to get tastes of his physical presence in one another. I hope that doesn't sound weird or "wrong". I will explain what I mean. All the things I crave - the hug, the words of strength and encouragement - Jesus can give me those by the people around me. My problem right now is that the primary people (or person) around me is just as low as I am. My husband couldn't speak words of confidence or encouragement to me to save his life right now! He is walking a deep valley as well. However, that got me thinking...

Am I being Jesus PERSONified to him (my husband)? God doesn't call me to serve out of my strength because HIS strength is made perfect in my weakness! (2 Cor 12:9) Am I speaking words of encouragement to him? Am I physically reassuring him with a hug, a look of confidence, holding his hand to show him my support? I don't have to be strong to do these, just obedient.

On the same vein, am I being Jesus PERSONified to my children? What do they need from Jesus through me? The biggest "revalation" has been how alone I feel as I battle my way through life right now, do my children feel the same? For example, my son was playing with a balloon he got last night. As balloons that get played with usually do - it popped. Of course a royal fit followed. We prayed, we talked, the fit went on, and on, and on. I didn't let the bad behavior go unnoticed without consequences, but rather than talk, dish out consequences, and leave him to pull himself back together, I just held him, sat by him, and let him know I was there. He knew I wasn't going to fix the balloon or rush out to get him a new one, but he felt the comfort of my presence - he knew he wasn't alone.

This has changed some of my prayer time. I make a commitment right now to seek God every single day to show me how to be Jesus PERSONified and who needs him. Not just in thought or distant deed, but in my physical presence. And I still selfishly pray that someone else will be stirred to be that for me!

Ruby, Wherefore Art Thou?

Time flies when you're having fun? Just call me a "handyWOman"! I've been painting, caulking, researching how to do home repairs, etc. My dad is a carpenter and I am discovering some of it has worn off on me. I really enjoy it!

Why am I doing all this? The mold issue again. Things are slowly happening but there are still so many questions. Keep praying that we would have wisdom and resources. I've been praying alot for the church board this week. My husband shared a bit of their conversation from the board meeting on Monday and they sound discouraged. Because I have suspected the problem for a long time, I have traveled the "one day encouraged, next discouraged, another day sure there is no hope, back to encouraged" road many times over already! At this point I am currently in the "encouraged" category until the next spot of mold or lack of response happens.

The land next to us is for sale. I don't think buying it and building a house is feasible, but that hasn't stopped me from praying. With God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! If this is the right solution, God will provide. Go ahead and join me. Bottom line though, fixing the current house we have is cheapest - and I really do like our house - ALOT!!!! The church has already put so much work and money into it the last 2 years that the thought of abandoning it makes me a bit sick. I could never be so ungrateful! Honestly, if we knew we were here for the next 30 years (the time of the mortgage) I might put a bit more serious thought into that new house thing, but at this point I will only inquire of the Lord to provide his best solution - he knows what that is. And I will joyfully receive it!

I wish I could post away and add so much more, but life and duty call (and caulking another bathroom). Until next time...